Nowhere
by scribblingfortheheckofit
Summary: Dean had joked at one point that Castiel would inevitably find God in the last placed he looked. Cas isn't so sure.


Castiel has apparently been searching in all the wrong places. Dean had joked at one point that he would inevitably find God in the last placed he looked, and laughed at him when Castiel said that that much was fairly obvious, but Dean had been uncharacteristically, and probably unintentionally, optimistic. Dean had suggested that in the last place Castiel looked, he would be successful.

It was finally dawning on the angel that he may never find his father. His last hope is that two impulsive, stubborn, and infuriatingly loyal humans can sneak through Heaven, meet a specific angel, and obtain a riddle that he would be able to figure out. Castiel can do nothing but wait for their return. It's frustrating.

He sits quietly in the motel room for a while, just watching their bodies, after he explains the situation to them. By morning, the sight of their glassy eyes and the blood coagulating in their shirts is producing strange sensations somewhere around his vessel's liver, so he leaves the room, and just walks for a while.

He doesn't know where he's going. It doesn't matter. Maybe, he thinks to himself, God will guide his path if he just stops caring.

It is a blasphemously sarcastic thought. Dean would have laughed. Or groaned and hit him, even though Castiel wouldn't feel any pain. Sam would have made the face Dean always likens to a dog. If they weren't dead, anyway.

Their death really should bother him, and Castiel knows this. Objectively, it probably would, if he thought that they would remain dead. As it is, Zachariah wants them on Earth, alive, and healthy enough to be proper vessels, so they'll be out of Heaven soon enough, and grief doesn't really feel necessary.

Castiel walks a while longer, thinking a few more blasphemous thoughts, not paying attention to where he is at all. He can always fly back, if he needs to. As his frustration burns itself out, his thoughts turn from his absent God to more mundane matters.

Walking is strange, he decides. It's slow and repetitive, just putting one foot in front of the other, and he understands why, if they are limited to just this and the slightly faster but painful version, humans have sought other ways. He realizes that while he may have scoffed at the sacrifice of walking in the desert for forty days, it was much greater a deed than he previously knew. He simultaneously wants to spread his wings and never fly again. Suddenly, he loves the Impala, even if he always has to sit in the back seat. He wonders if Dean will ever teach him to drive.

Then walking betrays him in the worst possible way. Castiel is startled out of his internal monologue by bells ringing, and realizes rather belatedly that he has walked up to a church. St. Mary's Church, if the sign is to be believed, Apparently it's Sunday, because there are families walking in, dressed nicely, and the pastor is smiling and greeting them all. He catches Castiel's eye for a moment, and waves him over. "You're a new face 'round here, but everyone is welcome in the house of God. Will you join us for mass?"

Castiel has to think for a moment. He knows that humans often find solace in worshiping together, knows that Jimmy Novak once enjoyed the feeling of community. And there is really not much else for him to do than sit and wait. Perhaps this is the way to find God.

And so, Castiel nods, and makes himself smile back at the man. He introduces himself as Eddie Moscone, the only fake name he remembers, and the lies don't taste quite as bitter as they used to. After shaking the pastor's hand, he enters the church as quickly and inconspicuously as possible, forcing the same uncomfortable smile whenever he meets anyone's eyes.

The water in the basins at the door is not holy water, and he doesn't have to pass over a devil's trap. There is no warding of any kind anywhere. Castiel is the only one inside with a blade, and he feels vaguely uncomfortable about it.

It's the water that bothers him, he thinks. Clearly, any monkey with a crucifix and a few lines of Latin can bless holy water. Dean makes it by the gallon in motel room sinks, which are exceeded in impurity only by motel room beds and satanic altars, and doesn't even have to ask Sam about the Latin or even read it out of a book. If Dean Winchester can memorize the blessing, then any self-respecting clergyman should be able to manage it. Then again, this pastor's Latin seems limited to "In nomine Patris, et Filis, et Spiritus Sanctis."

The sermon itself is not as terrible as Castiel feared. The pastor reads lines from the Bible and talks about them in the same way that Dean talks to Castiel about cars. He's excited about them, genuinely passionate about what he believes is the word of God, and wants to share all that he can while people are listening.

The congregation listens with various degrees of interest. A few have to be pinched by their family members to stay awake, and many of the children are reading picture book editions of bible tales instead of actually paying attention, but Castiel figures that they can be forgiven. One young man spends the majority of the service analyzing the harmonies in the hymnal, occasionally shaking his head. The young woman next to him glares for a while, and eventually takes the book from him, nodding towards the altar. But many listen intently, enraptured by the verses and the parables, and the hymns.

Castiel goes along with the rest of them, but his thoughts drift. He's heard the "Glory to God in the Highest" bit before, and while it may ring true in the people around him, the words feel hollow. So he stops saying them. The psalms are the same way, so after the first one, he stands and looks around a little awkwardly as the others sing, and kneels meaninglessly as they pray.

No one seems to notice, but he sees their shining eyes as they praise God for saving their souls, and wonders how they can believe. God won't appear to aid the main players in the Apocalypse, so there's no way He has time for the needs or wishes or dreams of these people. But they believe he does.

Their baseless, hopeless belief pulls at something in him. God may not care about him, may not want to help him. He most assuredly doesn't want to help Sam and Dean. But he must want to save these people, these innocents who think so much of him.

Dean calls about an hour later, as Castiel is sitting alone in the park. He hears Joshua's message, realizes the truth, and the Winchesters witness the shock and anger that wash through him. Castiel flies away before they can see his acceptance and despair.

He remembers those ordinary humans, and realizes that they love his Father more than he does. These people, living in the middle of nowhere, with no knowledge of anything supernatural, have more faith than he does. In the coming months, as the apocalypse approaches, these people will turn to God for salvation, but Castiel will not. After that, if the apocalypse is stopped, they will thank God, even though He abandoned them, but Castiel, if he lives, will know better. He will never turn to God for answers or salvation again.

And for that, Castiel is not even ashamed. God was not in the last place he looked. God is nowhere.


End file.
